Sheikh Qara`ati’s Advice to Newlyweds

Forty valuable pieces of advice directed at newly wedded wives, and forty for newly wedded husbands.

Dear Wife:

1. Be proud of your husband.
2. Don’t compare him to anyone else.
3. Don’t undermine his authority.
4. Search for his beauty in his intellect.
5. Be content.
6. Don’t show your beauty to anyone else.
7. Be shy, but don’t be haughty.
8. Be attractive toward your husband.
9. Accompany your positive emotions with strong reason.
10. Don’t be stubborn, or else you will fall from your husband’s eye.
11. Do your tamkin (sexual availability) so you become his only crown.
12. Be your husband’s refuge so he will only turn to you.
13. Beauty, simplicity and purity should be what gives you comfort.
14. Don’t pursue extravagance, but be elegant.
15. If you don’t know how to cook good, learn.
16. Build yourself before you build anything else.
17. Always beautify yourself for your husband.
18. Be hygienic, brush your teeth and always smell nice.
19. Make sure you never smell bad, from sweat or cooking.
20. Give your attention to your husband when you are with him.
21. Your hair is your cherished beauty; take care of it.
22. Never change your cheerful smile with a grumpy frown.
23. Find beautiful meanings in your difficulties.
24. If your husband was to say: “If it wasn’t for me nobody would have married you!” your reply should be: “Then I must be very grateful to you!”
25. If he was to say: “I don’t love you!” your reply should be: “In return I am very proud of you!”
26. If he was to say: “I’m not in the mood for you!” you should say: “And I’ve got nobody else other than you!”
27. If he says: “I don’t like your family!” you should say: “However, I love your family!”
28. If he gets angry, say sorry to him.
29. Buy gifts for your mother in law.
30. What you want should be requested kindly.
31. Don’t be a “demander”.
32. Understand the difficulties of your husband’s work.
33. Assist him in social obligations towards others.
34. When your husband returns home receive him, welcome and kiss him.
35. Never say to him: “You are useless!”
36. Keep the house neat and tidy, and accommodate to his needs.
37. When you put food in front of him, say: “I don’t know if you will like the food or not!”
38. Always seek help and strength from Almighty God.
39. See what he needs and help him to reach his goals.
40. When he speaks pay attention to what he says to show how important he is to you.

 

Dear Husband:

1. Say to your wife: “I love you!”
2. The word “love” should only be used for her.
3. Your wife is a fragile crystal; make sure you don’t break it.
4. Do what you can so that she has faith in you.
5. You need to be the best support for her to lean on.
6. Spend your love on her, not just your money.
7. Praise your wife’s beauty.
8. Don’t give your wife things to do that she can’t.
9. Your wife is a spring flower, don’t wither it.
10. Don’t expect your wife to be like you.
11. Don’t tire your wife with arguing and fighting.
12. Always be loyal to your wife.
13. Be firm and authoritative, never violent.
14. Sympathising and understanding will always keep her tranquil.
15. Before criticising her compliment her.
16. Don’t mock her to make her upset.
17. If you respect her have hope in your life together.
18. If you hurt her she will hate and repulse you.
19. Compliment her cooking.
20. Do not get easily upset from what she says, she does not mean it.
21. Never break her heart.
22. Don’t mock her.
23. If she shows some jealousy, don’t increase it by humiliating her.
24. In a soft, but affirmative voice say: “Don’t quarrel with me!”
25. If at a time she suspects you, with and compassion give her assurance.
26. Show her respect in any way you can.
27. If she says: “You don’t love me; I’m miserable because I married you!” say to her: “But I feel very lucky that I married you!”

    

28. If she says: “I’m so bored and sad in this house!” say to her: “The first opportunity we have I’ll take you wherever you want!”
29. If she says: “You’re so bad!” say: “But in return you’re so good!”
30. If she is flirtuous, value and appreciate it.
31. If she cries, let her vent out her frustration and express how she feels.
32. If she says: “I’m tired of the children!” say: “You have every right to be so. I’m very grateful for your patience!”
33. If she frowns, say to her: “Don’t frown, it doesn’t suit you!”
34. If she’s upset with you, say to her: “You being upset is like your love; both are beautiful!”
35. If she complains about your mother or sister, just listen to her.
36. If she says: “I had many proposals!” say back with a smile: “Then I must be very lucky that I have you!
37. If she says: “You’re ugly!” say to her: “However, you are beautiful!”
38. If she says it again, say: “A man’s beauty is in his intellect!”
39. If she says: “I want a divorce!” seek consultation and go for counselling.
40. Let her feel you are the only reliable and soothing person she has.